Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
