dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
