Just cropdusted the office
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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