i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
