no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
