so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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