I can text with my tongue
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
