If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
