please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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