Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
