Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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