Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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