The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
