I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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