You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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