I want to make a zoo with you.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
