he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think I am morally bankrupt
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
