can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
