She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You took a bar mat shot.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
