My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
cat food counts as protein by the way
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
