i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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