how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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