ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
