All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
