My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
