Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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