Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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