can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
