It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
