I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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