The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize