I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
