I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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