Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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