Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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