I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
