the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
