Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
