Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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