my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
