is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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