Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
