The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
