I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
