I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize