Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
