I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
