I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
