Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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