I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
