it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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