Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
