last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
