ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
