Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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