It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
