i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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