I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
