Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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