Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
