if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
