went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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