So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
