A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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